On behalf of this duo I apologize.
I apologize not only for our absence and inconsistency with our blog posts, but for allowing fear to creep in and hinder us from even having a presence online. That’s the real reason dust has begun to settle here, not time. I’m learning that there are a few things committing to a blog requires: 1) time (of course) 2) writing fluency, and an 3) immunity to the stomach wrenching symptoms of vulnerability. I have time I can make for this, and with consistent practice I know my writing can improve. However, to expose the deep thoughts in my head and in Joshua’s heart has become a recurring monster to tackle. As someone who admires, even prefers vulnerability as a trait in people, I am baffled at my hesitation. Heck, this blog was meant to be honest and open so that someone somewhere—-some kid struggling with the stigma of developmental differences (DD) or a family member tirelessly caring for another—- can feel connected in our shared experiences. So what do I have to fear? Why?
**a list of my fears is below. I poured everything out so I could sum it up here: click read more
To put it simply, revealing ourselves will showcase how we're good enough, not brave/smart/strong/reliable enough---and I speak mostly for myself, but josh has expressed similar feelings---to carry this responsibility for ourselves, each other, family, friends, readers, other people living with DD, God.
Wow! Imagine laying out your life--your struggles to success, the core of your existence--to the internet like that. Um, count me out! Amirite?! To have written down, word for word, the anger, the hate, resentment, the shame and guilt, the confession of inadequacy, the refusal to believe in the good of God…. that’s everything American culture ridicules.
All this of course, came right after posting the lesson of “It’s okay not to be okay”. Now I’m a Hypocrite.
If I wasn't clear, these fears pertain to the vulnerability required of us to post online and even to take up this huge task of running for a cause. However, it has much to do about our own personal lives as well. In a similar fashion, both Josh and I struggle with a ridiculous sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. It comes from falling short of expectations put on us by others and ourselves. For Josh it's the pressure to make something of himself, yet not knowing how to do that. We are products of filipino immigrants, who expect nothing short of success. So Josh shoots for goals set by people like my Mom and of course me. All he wants to do is make us proud, but feels pressure to compromise his own goals. This in turn results in a lot of animosity to others that "remote control" his life.
For myself, it's the expectation to be Joshua's life provider, to see out that Josh reaches the top of his potential. It also means to sacrifice my own time and energy for him. The pressure does not directly come from my family. Rather the "praises" I receive seem to confirm what God's purpose for my life is, at least for now. So I expect great things to happen; when they don't I get mad at God. I'm impatient and blame Him for a burden I think I cannot carry.
I ask Josh to write write write write write! He has to be as much a part of the blogs as I am. That puts a lot of pressure on him, especially when he is still building his reading and writing skills on his Eco 2 communication device. For me, this whole project is another to my list of duties to Josh that does not intentionally for my benefit.
How then are we both going to live up to these blog/running expectations when we are still navigating with them in our own personal lives? Why are we doing this?
I have know idea.
If you are someone living with DD or care for such person then you know about the battle of worthiness and purpose. For those with DD, the pressure to do something in life will always be at the forefront especially with a disability that tells you "can't". The pressure I see caretakers undergo, often compromise their well being and threaten their pride.
However, a very incredible thing happened two weeks ago on Oahu. Josh and I came across the presence of someone who reminded us that the suffering of this journey is not comparable to the sufferings of He who died at the cross; his sufferings were great but the glory that came was even greater.....That you'll have to read about in Part 2 of this series.
In the mean time ponder this: Who in their right mind found purpose in pounding the ground for 26 miles?…If you find her/him let the person know I have a few words....
Anyone know when/where horizontal running marathons take place?
Gonna end this abruptly. Too much to read...
God Bless. TBIYTC
Josh and Jason
P.S. I swear we will write about good things too! We'll have more that talks specifically about adjusting life to cerebral palsy's. This just seems like a hurdle I must get over. Thanks for your patience. I’m doing my best to not be a drag/air out my dirty laundry here.
FundRacer update: We have raised a little over $1,500 so far! Incredible. Thank you God for blessing our supporters with a generous heart. Josh and I have ordered business cards and are creating flyer so we can solicit to businesses and get this Fundraiser sprinting!
Training update: I’ll be honest. I haven’t been pushing myself hard this last two months. I need a motivation partner. I’ve maxed out at 4miles per run and am scared of pushing myself to do more. I did however commit to my first 8mile race in May. This will be without Josh as we do not have the chair. It’ll also serve as a motivator and an accomplishment for my training.
*****What I fear/struggle with doing this thing: